History has a way of repeating itself.
Let me explain. About three years ago, I attended the State Fair with family and my girlfriend. As we rounded the corner, I saw a stand that instantly commanded my attention: Alligator on a stick! My girlfriend was unable to dissuade me from trying it, and as a result, I spent the night lying in the hallway suffering from chills and intense nausea. Then I finally managed to throw it up and at last it was all better. I promised I would never do this to myself again ….
Three years later, I sat down and played Bebe’s Kids for this review, and I cannot think of a better analogy for this piece of gutrot! Playing Bebe’s Kids is equal to eating something terrible then suffering through its effects until the offending item comes out one end or the other. Then you feel better.
Consider this review my regurgitation.
Right off the bat the game kicks you in the nuts with its repetitive and terrible music. The tracks in Bebe’s Kids are all 3 to 9 second loops ad infinitum. I hope that you enjoy bad MIDI Hip-Hop, because that’s all that is available. The funny part is that the music is perhaps the least offensive thing in this mess, starting off grating but eventually just fading into the background. You learn to tune it out, something you can’t do with the gameplay.
It starts with the title screen where you can pick which little asshole you want to play as, either Lashawn or Kahlil. This matters very little since the only thing that differentiates them is their stupid looking walking animation. Once you pick one, it’s off to suffer through some of the worst conceived gameplay on the system! At first you won’t know what to do since enemies seem to take 100 shots to die, but then you start learning how to pick up balls and uppercut fools. Is it repetitive? Yes. Is it boring? Yes. But since lots of games are repetitive and boring, it needs to be smeared with smellier shit than that in order to stand out as one of gaming’s foulest turds.
So consider the fact that the pace of Bebe’s kids is among the slowest of any game out there. The characters move sluggishly and it becomes an agonizing chore just getting them across the stage. What cannot be understood is how it manages to do this on its own, since the graphics are unimpressive and there are usually less than three characters on screen at any given time. Oh, and when those three characters ARE onscreen at the same time, your game becomes a slideshow presentation. Pair this with the wonky combat and hit detection and you have an unplayable mess on your hands.
And there’s a timer! This means that the real villain in this story is time itself as the aforementioned enemies take so long to kill and your walking speed is the equivalent of a disabled snail. And what if you run out of time? Well, then it’s time to try again from the beginning, pilgrim!
The fun house in level two is infamous for this very reason. Knowing how slow the characters move coupled with the timer programmed into the game, you would think that the last thing you would want to do is put the player in a maze with the largest amount of enemies in the game! But we’re dealing with perhaps pound for pound the WORST developer of the 16-bit era, so why not, huh? So here I am, trapped in a fun house that expects me to fight through laggy programming and terrible hit detection ON A TIME LIMIT! This is usually where most gamers end their romp through hell, but your loyal reviewer must soldier on!
It must also be mentioned that the bosses are almost unbeatable for the same reasons listed above. Impossible to dodge and hard to hit without sustaining damage, they make you wish for more glass-busting mini-games. Enemies rarely, if EVER, attack in the fairway stages, electing to … errr, thrust their hips and grab you. Yeah …
The entire game is told in cut-scenes that are crudely drawn and badly written. But at least the game has a cool pause screen featuring hip 90’s lingo! (When you pause the game, the words CHILLIN comes up) I’m sure it is at this point that the geniuses at MoTown Software celebrated the greatness of this idea with fist bumps all around the table! Good job guys!
Overall, this comes close for my own personal declaration of the worst SNES game ever made. True, it is not as broken or unplayable as Pit Fighter is, but it’s pretty close. Now that I feel better after throwing up this experience I am left with one thing positive to say: It only took me an hour and a half to finish it!
There, I think I’m at 800 words so I’m done now …
1 out of 5 stars
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