Author: Mongunzoo
Nothing is ever perfect, and that includes game consoles.The SNES may have been the greatest era of gaming, but that does not mean that this era was sheltered from stinkers. As a matter of fact, as much as I complain about modern gaming, the overall quality on RELEASED games has gone up, due to how much time and money it takes to develop these games. There are just not enough resources available in the modern game industry to allow for really bad games to be made. It is kind of sad in a sense that I do not find most modern games to be great either, and that just leaves mediocrity.
Believe it or not, there is joy to be found in even the worst titles on the system. Do you not remember laughing your ass off with a friend the first time you rented Shaq Fu? The worst games can give us something that is almost as good as playing a great game; accidental comedy. Which is what we will be experiencing today. Note that there are more bad games than listed here. This is just the bottom of the crap heap.
And as bad as it is, Shaq Fu is NOT on this list. Not even close. By the time you are done playing these compressed turds, you will not be so hard on Shaq.
Worst Sports Game: RapJam: Volume 1
First of all, Volume 1? Did they really think that this wart would get a sequel? To this day, I think of that ‘Volume 1′ addition is the punchline to the joke that is RapJam, a basketball game with B-list 90′s rappers. I cannot decide where to begin with this one. The graphics look like a child drew stick figures and then colored them in. For a game that is reliant on the rappers and their image to sell the game, they couldn’t even get that right. You can barely tell the difference between Coolio and Queen Latifah (Not kidding). The animation is equally bad, with choppy running and jumping. I still cannot tell if the characters are trying to steal the ball or having some kind of seizure.
Controls are equally bad. Stealing the ball only works half the time, shooting the ball only works half the time, and I swear that the court is made of ice because of the way the players slip around in the opposite direction from where I want them to go. Someone needs to tell the developers that just because you are having rappers play basketball does not mean that they have to control like they are stoned.
Finally, for a game featuring rap artists, you would think that it might at least have a good soundtrack, right? Wrong. There is NO MUSIC. None. Just random cheering even when there is nothing for the audience to cheer. Just because someone makes a mix-tape, doesn’t mean that they can rap. I guess the lesson here is that just because someone can program doesn’t mean they can make a game.
Worst RPG: Obitus
The SNES is the golden era of the RPG. There are just mountains of good quality games in this genre. Obitus is not one of them. In fact, this game is so bad it almost single-handedly drops the SNES to second place behind the Playstation. I think that the worst thing of all is that it is not even funny bad like many games on this list. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
What we are dealing with here is a Dungeons and Dragons knockoff game ala Eye of the Beholder. These games were better on the PC, but just did not work on the 16-bit SNES. The best way I can describe Obitus is to picture Eye of the Beholder, then break everything. We’re talking bad controls, confusing mechanics, bland visuals, impossible enemies, cruddy sound effects, and no music.
And you can starve! What kind of stupid game mechanic is that? I cannot understand the attempt to put realism like this into a game about a history teacher who gets sucked into a fantasy world. If you make it to the forest, count yourself lucky. The first time I tried this piss-stain, I starved to death trying to get out of the tower.
The saddest part of all is that this game came out before RPGs were popular. Imagine all those kids who tried Obitus as their first RPG, then cried and swore never to try another RPG again. Thats right; it set the whole genre back almost a decade. Thanks, Obitus. Hope you feel good about yourself!
Worst Beat Em Up: Bebe’s Kids
Ah, Bebe’s Kids. The crappy game based on the crappy movie based on the crappy stand-up and developed by the geniuses that brought us RapJam: Volume 1. That’s a mouthful, huh? From the moment you start this festering sore of a game you will be bombarded by one of the worst soundtracks in gaming. You will then get to choose your character, but no matter which one you choose, you are stuck with the same exact unresponsive moves, and the same ridiculous looking animation of how white developers think black youth walk.
It gets even worse. Every other level is a copy and paste of the first, where you beat up the amusement park workers and listen to the same 3 second loop of some of the worst music of the 16-bit generation. This is made even more agonizing by the fact that the enemies take too long to kill, given that there is a timer that takes you back to the beginning of the game if you run out of time. In between these crappy stages are stupid levels where you kick glass and travel through the most frustrating maze in gaming history. Slowdown is atrocious, even when there is only one bad guy on screen at a time.
And let’s not forget the bosses, which are just about impossible to beat due to the crippled controls and slow movement speed. Even the cut-scenes are god-awful! Bebe’s’s Kids, once and for all proving that once you think you have reached the bottom of the crap-barrel, that there is a whole new barrel underneath!
Worst First-Person Shooter: Super 3D Noah’s Ark
Wanna know how many unlicensed games are available on the SNES? Answer: Just one. Nintendo wisely designed a lockout chip that made sure any game that was not Nintendo approved could not play on the console. Play some of the NES worst and you will see the wisdom behind this logic.Speaking of wisdom, one of the main companies that made this precaution a necessity was Wisdom Tree, a Christian developer whose mission in life seemed to be getting horrendous bible-based games published. Rather than do things the legitimate way and be told NO by the big N, they just made a cartridge that an official game could plug into like a hat, thereby cheating the lockout tech.Besides their apparent hypocrisy, the game sucks. It is an exact replica of Wolfenstein 3D, altered to look like a wooden Ark. The goal is to put down an animal rebellion consisting of goats, sheep, venomous cows, and others using Noah’s trusty slingshot. The catch is that you do not kill them, you just put them to sleep. The problem with this is that there is never enough ammo laying around. Also complicating matters is the fact that Noah can’t move nor shoot worth a piss, so you are always dying. The sound effects are terrible, from the sheep to Noah’s slightly sexual grunts whenever he gets hurt by the goats. Now to top this crap sundae off with a booger cherry. When you do get on a roll, don’t worry, because the game also randomly crashes. Twice in my playthrough this happened, and I should have taken it for what it was; A sign from God to stop playing this game!Which I finally did. Super Noah’s 3D Ark is terrible. A modern day smiting of unlucky gamers.
Worst Action Game: Captain Novolin
Ever dreamed of being a limp-wristed diabetic superhero with a fatal weakness for junk food? Apparently so many SNES gamers had this dream that in 1992, it became reality. Captain Novolin is the story of a diabetic man out to save the day from evil donuts and milkshake alien men. Couldn’t make that up!It’s as awful as it sounds. The graphics look almost NES-esque, forcing you to deal with terrible limp-wristed animation and ridiculous backdrops. Your only means of dispatching your deadly donut foes is to jump on them, but don’t forget to press down every time, or you will take damage! Another cruddy innovation that Captain Novolin brought platformers was food collecting. At the beginning of every level, deformed doctors will spew their diabetes facts, along with the amount of food items you should eat for that stage. But do not eat more than the doctor’s recommendation, otherwise the captain will flop into a diabetic coma and die. Aquaman move over!While you’re at it, don’t forget to shoot up your insulin! At the end of each level, you must match colors to deliver the Captain his much needed insulin shot. That is all I have to say about this pancreas-numbing experience. Captain Novolin is stupid and anyone who ever liked this game is stupid too.
Worst Racer: Race Drivin
For not being the biggest fans of racing games, I respect the fact that no matter what generation we are in, the racing games are generally of high quality. Meet Race Drivin, one of the first racers I ever played that shattered that illusion for me. At least you can see everything that this guttersludge has to offer in about forty minutes. There are four rectangles that you can pick from to drive and three courses, one of which cannot be finished on account of the road leading up to the sky and then stopping.
Then there is the actual driving, which is just laugh inducing. I would clock this racing game at about ten frames per second, which completely shatters any notion of speed. Press that accelerator all you want, you will still go five miles per hour. Also, don’t touch anything or you will explode in a fireball. This is actually the most fun you will have with the game, as it is pretty funny to see the ridiculous physics this game throws at you. There is also no music until you crash, at which point your windshield will get a small crack and you will hear the most annoying song in the world. My favorite touch has to be the mirrors on your rectangle. When another rectangle is behind you, a 2D sprite of a car magically pops in your rear view mirror.
This game was laziness in its purest form. It pisses me off that good racing games like F-Zero’s sequel or Battle Cross could not make it stateside, but this hunk of diarrhea managed to get released. At least it’s short, and you can laugh at the crashes. That’s at least worth something.
Worst Platformer: Wayne’s World
Uhghh!!! The award for the game with the most annoying use of voice work goes to ‘Wayne’s World’! This came pretty close to achieving the dubious honor of worst overall SNES game. The only thing that saves it is that at least it is PLAYABLE, though I have no idea why anyone sane would want to.
The level designs are some of the worst on the system, with random and repetitive crap thrown all over levels for no apparent reason. Wayne has a guitar for a weapon, which is used to attack enemies like accordions and bagpipes. Garth has been kidnapped and thus, out of commission. Graphically the game is pure trash, with Wayne looking like a bobble-head and his animations looking robotic and stupid.
The sound effects are without a doubt the worst offender I have ever seen. Every time you collect a power-up you’ll hear EXCELLENT! Every time you are hit by one of the game’s dumb enemies you will hear NOT! And every time you die you will see the stupidest animation of the 16-bit era… followed by NOT WORTHY! I was never able to beat the game to this day for this reason. It was simply too obnoxious to bear.
Funnily enough, they made the NES and Game Boy games the same year as the SNES version. The SNES version is by far the worst. That’s right; The 16-bit SNES game is INFERIOR to the 8-bit NES and the black and white Game Boy game!!! I hope whoever made this game is happy…NOT!
Worst Educational Game: Mario is Missing!
This game is completely useless. Luigi should have been our first clue! If they think that any child could play this long enough to learn geography before falling asleep, they should think again. This is the most boring game ever devised.
Luigi must rescue his brother Mario and stop the evil Bowser from stealing our history by exploring various real cities and taking to morons about landmarks. The problem is that you are invincible and cannot be hurt. That removes all tension from the game. Since they also thought this game would be a good time to teach us traffic safety, you can also only walk when the streets are clear.
On top of that, you cannot leave the city until you mug all the Koopa Troopers and get back the city’s artifacts. *Yawn* I can’t go on talking about game. I’m sorry that what I am writing is not funny, it is just that it is so bland. I have nothing to work with. Gonna go to sleep now …
Worst Shoot em Up: Revolution X
What could be better than a game about an obsessive Aerosmith fan chucking CDs at military folks with guns? Nothing, if you are looking for a good laugh. Make no mistake, Revolution X is horrendous, but it is…funny!
I should mention that this is a light gun game with no light gun compatibility! Instead you must move a slow ass cursor around the screen and try and keep up with the various natives and Power Rangers out for your blood!
The story is amazingly stupid. Aerosmith is leading a revolution against a tyrannical government that wants to take away all music and video games! And you are the key to this struggle! After a whole brain-numbing mission dedicated to finding Aerosmith’s car, you can choose to go to Japan and fight Power Ranger Ninjas, South America and fight Natives, or… okay, this is the most racist game on the SNES, period.
Cut scenes between shootouts must be seen to be believed, with members of the band shouting stupid things like ‘Tear down the wall!’ with all the enthusiasm of an English professor. Boss battles are broken, as you cannot move the cursor fast enough to keep up with their attacks, and the music is nothing but mutilated versions of Aerosmith tunes. Stupid. Racist. Repetitive. Revolution X.
Worst Fighter/Worst Overall SNES Game:Pit Fighter
This is it… The mother of all bad SNES games. I could sum up the experience as broken, but that phrase does not do it justice. You have one life, one health bar, and broken controls that do not register your actions in order to beat the game. That is all that I will say, as this game has to be SEEN to be understood:
Thanks Guardiane for suffering long enough to document this game. I hope you have a speedy recovery!
Well, that’s all, folks! Hope you have enjoyed this trip to the garbage dump! Remember that every game starts with the potential to be good. There are no games that are born bad. It’s the way they are developed that matters.
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I’ve never played any of them and it looks as if I’m not missing anything!! LOL!
I have four of these. Sweet!
that’s nothing to be proud of
I remember playing Mario is missing. then I remember losing mario is missing! this is the downfall of how cheap it was to develop for this console.
Oh, Mario is Missing. I’m kinda ashamed to admit I had it and beat it.
A friend of mine had Race Drivin and it was atrocious
Haha Super 3D Noah’s Ark. A bible game that teaches kids how to K.O. animals brains using a slingshot – the whole premise of that is beyond comprehension.
I have a friend who used to have Mario Is Missing. I’ve never sampled it’s unique edu-tainment myself but he assures me it’s the worst SNES game he’s ever played.
You should add this ones too :
Pinball fantasies
Sonic Blastman
Eek the cat!
Sonic Blastman is okay, but Sonic Blastman II is definitely better and more worth your time.
I’m playing Sonic Blastman right now. Definitely not the worst out there, but I’m only on stage 2!
…and you ended up giving it three stars! Seems like it wasn’t a real stinker in your eyes.
No, not a stinker at all. But I’ve heard bad things about Eek the Cat …
I’m gonna save this list for whenever my friends come over. They often wear rose-colored glasses when looking at gaming in the 80s and 90s. It was certainly an amazing time for games, but it wasn’t flawless.
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