Mongunoo: Pit Fighter is a baby killing poison. There, that’s all you need to know.
Masamune: It has to be done
Mongunzoo: Really, Masamune, I have to submit a full review?
Masamune: Afraid so
Mongunzoo: Can’t we break the rules just this once?
Okay, I tried. In my Worst SNES Games of All-Time feature, I showed you a video of the worst Super Nintendo game ever. And on that day, history was made. Ridiculous, dumb-ass history. You see, imagine a septic tank full of bad games. Some like Shaq-Fu float to the top and are then famously known as being terrible gameplay experiences. But the floaters hide what sinks to the bottom, and that is where you find things that will haunt your nightmares forever. By reaching my gloved hand in and pulling Pit Fighter out to be ridiculed by the retro gaming community, I feel like I have unearthed a terrible evil upon the world. Now everyone wants to know about this game.
And I get to tell them. Which means I had to play it. EXTENSIVELY.
I hope you’re happy…
Pit Fighter started its history as a pretty decent arcade fighting game, which allows up to three players to tackle the game. Of course we are talking about the SNES game, so that’s all I will say on that. All I know is that everything imaginable got lost in the translation. A terrible start screen greets me as I select between three losers who HUGH! at me when I select them. I suppose it is funny because there is NO ANIMATION. The picture literally changes from standing there to HUGH! From there I am thrown into my first fight with Executioner.
The way it works is that you and your opponent have a health meter that decreases when you take a hit. The first thing I notice is that Executioner has more health than me. That would be fine if I could figure out how to damage him. Pit Fighter’s controls are BROKEN. There is a delay between my presses and what is happening on the screen, and I swear that the button for punch and kick must randomly swap functions. So suffice to say, Executioner makes me his bitch that first round. When you die your body turns into some sort of statue and then Executioner proceeds to hump the air next to your body. If you don’t believe me go watch the video in Worst SNES Games Ever.
Oh, and your game is over. That is important. Every time you lose a fight you go back to the title screen. I refuse to give up. Picking a different fighter, I try Executioner again, and I actually do better just mashing buttons. Funniest thing of all is I spend half the fight facing the opposite direction of my opponent and I STILL HIT HIM. He still beats me despite my button mashing. More air humping proceeds from the Executioner as the fuzzy peach-colored things I assume are the crowd, cheer.
This game looks worse than many NES games, with fighters who are too small and the aforementioned visually unflattering crowd as background. Here’s a joke for you: How do you know when you get to another level in Pit Fighter? When EVERYTHING CHANGES COLOR!!!! And the music is no better, with the same 20-second loop ad-infinitum. If my ears could commit suicide, they would.
So I’m back at the title screen. I pick the final kickboxing loser and try again. This time I win!! The peachy people now cheer for me!! There is no air humping this time. I start the next round but clearly there has been some sort of mistake. I have the same amount of health that I had at the end of my last fight! I last about ten seconds before being shown the GAME OVER screen and being booted back to the title.
That’s right…You do not get your health back between fights!
With that I have had enough. After only spending an hour playing this trash, I feel I can render a verdict on it. I know that this was an early SNES title, but there is JUST NO EXCUSE for this!! The controls are broken, the animation is broken, the gameplay is broken and the progression is broken. No wonder people make jokes about the “Nintendo Seal of Quality!” Like that even matters when you allow shit like this to be stamped with it!! I am in awe. I cannot believe how awful this game is. It really must be seen to be understood.
You know, it also has a two-player mode but I am not even going to play it! There is no reason to! The game would probably stop working if there were three characters or more on screen! I think the cartridge would explode! Pit Fighter is the worst game I have ever played, and…and…I don’t feel so good…
Dr. John Drake: Hi, This is Mongunzoo’s general practitioner. Unfortunately, he went into septic shock due to overexposure to Pit Fighter. He’s resting and well, but he cannot finish this review because he was warned that doing so would void his health insurance policy. But I am confident he will return to you all shortly with a review of a better game!